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Friday, July 09, 2004
"As a man thinks in his heart, so is he."
Why do I so love hearing and reading other people's thoughts and writings? Because it tells me what they care about; because they put a piece of themselves in it, and I feel honored to have access to that piece and place it in a treasure chest of precious tokens from those cherished people in my life; for the reaction they get from me, and the happiness I get from knowing that my reaction has satisfied so fully the person who sought that reaction, because they "ached with caring" about the subject and so desperately wanted someone else to "ache with caring" about it too...someone to understand their passion and validate it. Or someone to laugh with them over a funny thought that he just can't contain because his own delight in the thought bubbles up so beautifully over the cusp of his own heart and mind that it must escape and seek out another heart to fill up too. My life is about coming to know people and nurturing relationships with them. I truly ache with caring about meeting their needs; supporting their endeavors; discussing their struggles; holding them up when their heart is weary; and laughing with them when they are happy. I simply ache to care. For this reason I place a tremendous amount of value upon words -- thought, spoken, and written -- because I know that any and all words that come out of someone's mind, pleasant or unpleasant, are precious glimpses into who that person is, and they give me insight for how to best understand and honor that friend. It is for this reason, I listen.
Monday, June 28, 2004
I'm a Toys-R-Us Kid.
How many young adults out there will exuberantly claim "I don't want to grow up!" as I myself just did the other night?
This was brought on by a conversation about my new job, which is my first "real" job, full-time with a salary and everything. It feels like I'm finally hitting the "growing up" threshold. And it's strange because I feel very isolated in that. I'm about to start as a 23-year-old (the usual age of a kid just out of college) doing the job of a 30-year-old (teaching college, as opposed to being in college). It feels very strange. But then again, I have never really run with the norm or fit in with what the other people my age were doing, for some reason.
So why, as a whole generation, are we resisting growing up as fast as our parents did? I believe it is a shift in sociological maturation, and in effect, a self-fulfilling prophecy, that we young adults of the late 20th and early 21st centuries really don't want to "grow up." In a sense, we are refusing to cross the threshold between adolescence and adulthood for as long as possible. An avoidance that becomes increasingly easier as the time spent in college and grad school keeps lengthening. Yet we seem to choose only some aspects of adulthood (i.e. sex, citizenship, alcoholic responsibility, etc.) as are convenient, but still avoid the majority of adult responsibilities (i.e. marriage, kids, long-term jobs, etc.) like the Black Plague. It amazes me to think that I know people whose grandparents got married at 14 and 17 and were having babies and running whole farms by themselves in their twenties. My aunt had three children by my age. Terrifying. Can you imagine? Here I am nearly 23 years old (the age my sister was when she got married -- even more terrifying), and marriage still feels like a dream on the horizon...and yet it doesn't. It feels like it's everywhere around me. I knew 45 couples (COUPLES! multiply that number by 2 and that's how many people I knew!) that got married last year, and they all seem so young to me. Way too young to be getting married and taking on all the 'adult' responsibilities. But why do I feel that way? Why do they all seem too young to do what our parents were doing at a much younger age? I find myself wondering quite a bit lately when I will be the one to find someone who's right for me and take the plunge. Are marriage and kids even in my future (and I hope they are)? And if so, just exactly how far into the horizon are they? And an even harder question: How far do I want them to be?
Maybe I won't feel as young after this next year when I'm forced to grow up and behave like an adult. Did our parents feel as young as I do when they hit this stage of their lives? Maybe they did.
But back to the question at hand. Where is our sense of purpose? Our generation seems to be so divided, only united in the one common goal of "I don't want to grow up!" Surely our purpose cannot be fully realized by the concept of just "not growing up"; or can it? Is our common mindset to "seize the day" and grab life by the coattails, enjoy it to the fullest like a kid on a swingset -- taking advantage of all the beautiful and rich flavors of life that our parents sacrificed by getting married so young? Yet, most of us who are refusing to grow up, I would posit, are yet unfulfilled and are longing for a higher calling. Whereas the goals of our grandparents and parents were usually 'get married, get a job, raise a family,' it seems that fewer and fewer of our generation are after that, and if they are after that, they're waiting until later and later in life to do so.
So, are we refusing to grow up only because we lack a worthy cause for doing so? Is it that the causes of our parents' generation, like peace in Vietnam, and Civil and Women's Rights, are somehow not worthy enough for us? Or just not applicable anymore? Or is it that we do not fully comprehend the inspiration and worthiness of their causes and are waiting to claim that inspiration as our own before "going out [our] door," as the epic philosopher quips?
Are we looking for those same causes, like freedom and equality, but they have disappeared in our changed and revolutionized society? or have been so morphed and changed that they are barely recognizable anymore? Or are their causes simply not suited to our generation, being that their purposes have been mostly fulfilled and we now must seek out our own purposes and noble errands? -- like scientific advancement and enlightened spirituality, which seem to be the things that rule our generation today. Ironically, these two things are often claimed to contradict each other by the very people who practice them. (I tend to disagree, but that's beside the point.) But on the other hand, I suppose these things could be viewed as the search for freedom and equality, but in a different medium than that used by our parents.
So, what is our generation about? What are we all doing while we mill about and avoid growing up? What are we going to accomplish and have to show for ourselves when our children look back at us? What legacy are we going to leave behind? I'll be very intrigued to find out in a decade or two what the salient effects of our generation have turned out to be. In the meantime, I bet nearly every individual out there between the ages of 18 and 28 knows the theme song for the Toys-R-Us commercials, and sings it heartily.
This was brought on by a conversation about my new job, which is my first "real" job, full-time with a salary and everything. It feels like I'm finally hitting the "growing up" threshold. And it's strange because I feel very isolated in that. I'm about to start as a 23-year-old (the usual age of a kid just out of college) doing the job of a 30-year-old (teaching college, as opposed to being in college). It feels very strange. But then again, I have never really run with the norm or fit in with what the other people my age were doing, for some reason.
So why, as a whole generation, are we resisting growing up as fast as our parents did? I believe it is a shift in sociological maturation, and in effect, a self-fulfilling prophecy, that we young adults of the late 20th and early 21st centuries really don't want to "grow up." In a sense, we are refusing to cross the threshold between adolescence and adulthood for as long as possible. An avoidance that becomes increasingly easier as the time spent in college and grad school keeps lengthening. Yet we seem to choose only some aspects of adulthood (i.e. sex, citizenship, alcoholic responsibility, etc.) as are convenient, but still avoid the majority of adult responsibilities (i.e. marriage, kids, long-term jobs, etc.) like the Black Plague. It amazes me to think that I know people whose grandparents got married at 14 and 17 and were having babies and running whole farms by themselves in their twenties. My aunt had three children by my age. Terrifying. Can you imagine? Here I am nearly 23 years old (the age my sister was when she got married -- even more terrifying), and marriage still feels like a dream on the horizon...and yet it doesn't. It feels like it's everywhere around me. I knew 45 couples (COUPLES! multiply that number by 2 and that's how many people I knew!) that got married last year, and they all seem so young to me. Way too young to be getting married and taking on all the 'adult' responsibilities. But why do I feel that way? Why do they all seem too young to do what our parents were doing at a much younger age? I find myself wondering quite a bit lately when I will be the one to find someone who's right for me and take the plunge. Are marriage and kids even in my future (and I hope they are)? And if so, just exactly how far into the horizon are they? And an even harder question: How far do I want them to be?
Maybe I won't feel as young after this next year when I'm forced to grow up and behave like an adult. Did our parents feel as young as I do when they hit this stage of their lives? Maybe they did.
But back to the question at hand. Where is our sense of purpose? Our generation seems to be so divided, only united in the one common goal of "I don't want to grow up!" Surely our purpose cannot be fully realized by the concept of just "not growing up"; or can it? Is our common mindset to "seize the day" and grab life by the coattails, enjoy it to the fullest like a kid on a swingset -- taking advantage of all the beautiful and rich flavors of life that our parents sacrificed by getting married so young? Yet, most of us who are refusing to grow up, I would posit, are yet unfulfilled and are longing for a higher calling. Whereas the goals of our grandparents and parents were usually 'get married, get a job, raise a family,' it seems that fewer and fewer of our generation are after that, and if they are after that, they're waiting until later and later in life to do so.
So, are we refusing to grow up only because we lack a worthy cause for doing so? Is it that the causes of our parents' generation, like peace in Vietnam, and Civil and Women's Rights, are somehow not worthy enough for us? Or just not applicable anymore? Or is it that we do not fully comprehend the inspiration and worthiness of their causes and are waiting to claim that inspiration as our own before "going out [our] door," as the epic philosopher quips?
Are we looking for those same causes, like freedom and equality, but they have disappeared in our changed and revolutionized society? or have been so morphed and changed that they are barely recognizable anymore? Or are their causes simply not suited to our generation, being that their purposes have been mostly fulfilled and we now must seek out our own purposes and noble errands? -- like scientific advancement and enlightened spirituality, which seem to be the things that rule our generation today. Ironically, these two things are often claimed to contradict each other by the very people who practice them. (I tend to disagree, but that's beside the point.) But on the other hand, I suppose these things could be viewed as the search for freedom and equality, but in a different medium than that used by our parents.
So, what is our generation about? What are we all doing while we mill about and avoid growing up? What are we going to accomplish and have to show for ourselves when our children look back at us? What legacy are we going to leave behind? I'll be very intrigued to find out in a decade or two what the salient effects of our generation have turned out to be. In the meantime, I bet nearly every individual out there between the ages of 18 and 28 knows the theme song for the Toys-R-Us commercials, and sings it heartily.
Monday, May 10, 2004
Joy
I love how even when things hurt, there is still this steady flow of joy underneath.
Even when things hurt, and suck, and it's really hard, you know you're still okay. God's transcending peace is an awesome thing.
And then he sends some encouragement your way, and it's even better. God is good.
Even when things hurt, and suck, and it's really hard, you know you're still okay. God's transcending peace is an awesome thing.
And then he sends some encouragement your way, and it's even better. God is good.
Sunday, May 09, 2004
Monday, May 03, 2004
pop quiz, hot shot
Does anyone out there know what august (used as an adjective) really means? I challenge all of you out there to look it up and add to your vocabulary. It's a good one.
Ps~ I'd really like to be spending time writing a more substantial entry right about now, but unfortunately, I have entered into the horrible bi-annual week from hell known to all students out there as ... (dunh, dunh, duuuunh)....finals. So, isntead of encouraging my creative juices, I'm supressing them with random facts stuffed into my short term memory, all of which, I might add, could be looked up in a book at any point in my life that I wish to retrieve them, thereby leaving space for more important things in my limited number of brain cells. But no. I have to take a test over it, to prove to my teacher that I've learned something this semester. Well, newsflash. Tests ain't so hot at discerning such things. Try talking to me instead. You might find out that I'm much more competent than any piece of paper could ever testify to.
(Sigh.) Oh well, I suppose I'll submit to the institution yet one more time. Here I go...off to Studystudy Land. Merry finals to all, and to all a good test!
Ps~ I'd really like to be spending time writing a more substantial entry right about now, but unfortunately, I have entered into the horrible bi-annual week from hell known to all students out there as ... (dunh, dunh, duuuunh)....finals. So, isntead of encouraging my creative juices, I'm supressing them with random facts stuffed into my short term memory, all of which, I might add, could be looked up in a book at any point in my life that I wish to retrieve them, thereby leaving space for more important things in my limited number of brain cells. But no. I have to take a test over it, to prove to my teacher that I've learned something this semester. Well, newsflash. Tests ain't so hot at discerning such things. Try talking to me instead. You might find out that I'm much more competent than any piece of paper could ever testify to.
(Sigh.) Oh well, I suppose I'll submit to the institution yet one more time. Here I go...off to Studystudy Land. Merry finals to all, and to all a good test!
Friday, April 30, 2004
Keep Me Company
You know, the other day I was talking to this really neat guy that I met recently in one of my classes. We were talking about how we both have to place Christ first in our lives, and we have a hard time understanding how people can not place him first, since he is the entire reason for our being here at all. And he made the comment that he doesn't even want to get married because he is afraid that it would interfere with his commitment to Christ. I immediately agreed, saying that I don't want to get married either; that Christ is my fiance right now, and I cannot allow my heart to be divided in any way. I am committed to him.
But the truth is, I do want to get married, I just don't see that it's very possible or likely right now. It's going to take a man that was created with me in mind, so that our paths match up exactly. It's going to take a man that lines up with my path to the Lord, so that I never have to sacrifice my relationship and service to the Lord for my relationship and service to my husband. He will need to be on the same path, so that in walking with my husband, I do not forsake the Lord. That is really my fear in getting married right now -- being asked to follow my husband somewhere I either don't want to go or can't go. That's not fair to either him or me. Anymore, I have been questioning whether I will ever find such a man. I'm afraid that if I marry, I will have to submit to the path that my husband is on, which right now, I know no one for sure that is on the same path that I am. The closest person that I know that has the same attitude, mindset, and heart commitment as I do is someone that I just met and barely know. Four and a half years ago, I found someone who I thought was on the same path, and I love him very deeply, but anymore, we're not really walking at the same speed or even in the same direction anymore (not to mention a whole host of other enduring problems), and that's really hard to face. Do I stay and slow my pace while he needs someone to help hold him up? or do I go on ahead without him? It's such a hard decision to make. I love him, and want to hold on to him, but I can't sacrifice my own calling, or even my own happiness, in order to do that. I don't know if the Lord wants me to stay and help, or to keep moving.
All the same, it was very encouraging and refreshing to to talk to this guy and know that there are other people out there that feel the way I do about serving God. I had begun to feel very, very alone in this. It was nice to talk to someone who can understand the commitment that I made to the Lord and not look at me like (or secretly think that) I'm a super-zealous religio-fanatic who's a little off her rocker. Thanks, God, for that reminder that I'm not the only one on a path like this; that there are in fact other people out there that feel the way I do.
My commitment is simply this: I will do whatever the Lord asks of me, and I will ask him first in every decision that I make in my life. I will be willing to go anywhere and do anything that he asks of me, on any short notice and by any means he intends -- from taking a job in suburbia to living in a grass hut in the jungle. My life's first and foremost priority will always be obedience and service to the Lord; not making money, not my job, not my education, not [my husband], not my family. The Lord is first in all that I do. This is not to say that I am not committed to family and marriage. In fact, they are so important to me that they come second only to the Lord.
But, I plan to always be willing to pick up and go at any time. I don't ever plan to be so mentally tied to or preoccupied with a job or a mortgage that I can't leave at a moment's notice if the Lord calls.
So in order to have a husband, and a family with him, he must feel the same way so I never have to leave them in order to do what the Lord asks. Ideally, we would be called together, and we would always pick up and go together. No one can serve two masters, so my husband must serve the same master in the same ways that I do, so that I never have to choose between them.
It's very hard to find someone who not only has made this same commitment, but also someone whose life and personality match up to mine. Not only someone who loves the Lord deeply, but also who loves me deeply; and whom I love in return. It seems very hard to find someone whose first priority right now isn't finding a long-term job and financial security.
Lately, I have been saying to myself (and a few select others) that I don't think I even want to get married because of how I would have to sacrifice my commitment to the Lord's calling on my life -- but in truth, I would really like to get married and live out my calling with a husband by my side, walking step for step, speed for speed, passion for passion, joy for joy. I want someone to share the road with. Someone to talk to and who understands what I'm excited about. Someone who, when we work together, our abilities multiply and become more effective and productive than if we were apart -- a synergy, if you will. But I don't know that I will ever be able to find a man whose life will fit with mine and follow the same path that the Lord has set me on. If I can't find such a man, then I really don't want to get married. I would rather stay single than deal with constant division in my heart. Is there someone God has pre-ordained to walk with me, or will I walk alone for the rest of my life? I really don't know right now. I am prepared for the latter, but I hope for the former. I cannot settle for marrying someone whose heart doesn't line up with mine, so until I find the man whose heart does, I cannot marry.
Lord, if he's out there, take care of him. If not, I'm counting on you to keep me company.
But the truth is, I do want to get married, I just don't see that it's very possible or likely right now. It's going to take a man that was created with me in mind, so that our paths match up exactly. It's going to take a man that lines up with my path to the Lord, so that I never have to sacrifice my relationship and service to the Lord for my relationship and service to my husband. He will need to be on the same path, so that in walking with my husband, I do not forsake the Lord. That is really my fear in getting married right now -- being asked to follow my husband somewhere I either don't want to go or can't go. That's not fair to either him or me. Anymore, I have been questioning whether I will ever find such a man. I'm afraid that if I marry, I will have to submit to the path that my husband is on, which right now, I know no one for sure that is on the same path that I am. The closest person that I know that has the same attitude, mindset, and heart commitment as I do is someone that I just met and barely know. Four and a half years ago, I found someone who I thought was on the same path, and I love him very deeply, but anymore, we're not really walking at the same speed or even in the same direction anymore (not to mention a whole host of other enduring problems), and that's really hard to face. Do I stay and slow my pace while he needs someone to help hold him up? or do I go on ahead without him? It's such a hard decision to make. I love him, and want to hold on to him, but I can't sacrifice my own calling, or even my own happiness, in order to do that. I don't know if the Lord wants me to stay and help, or to keep moving.
All the same, it was very encouraging and refreshing to to talk to this guy and know that there are other people out there that feel the way I do about serving God. I had begun to feel very, very alone in this. It was nice to talk to someone who can understand the commitment that I made to the Lord and not look at me like (or secretly think that) I'm a super-zealous religio-fanatic who's a little off her rocker. Thanks, God, for that reminder that I'm not the only one on a path like this; that there are in fact other people out there that feel the way I do.
My commitment is simply this: I will do whatever the Lord asks of me, and I will ask him first in every decision that I make in my life. I will be willing to go anywhere and do anything that he asks of me, on any short notice and by any means he intends -- from taking a job in suburbia to living in a grass hut in the jungle. My life's first and foremost priority will always be obedience and service to the Lord; not making money, not my job, not my education, not [my husband], not my family. The Lord is first in all that I do. This is not to say that I am not committed to family and marriage. In fact, they are so important to me that they come second only to the Lord.
But, I plan to always be willing to pick up and go at any time. I don't ever plan to be so mentally tied to or preoccupied with a job or a mortgage that I can't leave at a moment's notice if the Lord calls.
So in order to have a husband, and a family with him, he must feel the same way so I never have to leave them in order to do what the Lord asks. Ideally, we would be called together, and we would always pick up and go together. No one can serve two masters, so my husband must serve the same master in the same ways that I do, so that I never have to choose between them.
It's very hard to find someone who not only has made this same commitment, but also someone whose life and personality match up to mine. Not only someone who loves the Lord deeply, but also who loves me deeply; and whom I love in return. It seems very hard to find someone whose first priority right now isn't finding a long-term job and financial security.
Lately, I have been saying to myself (and a few select others) that I don't think I even want to get married because of how I would have to sacrifice my commitment to the Lord's calling on my life -- but in truth, I would really like to get married and live out my calling with a husband by my side, walking step for step, speed for speed, passion for passion, joy for joy. I want someone to share the road with. Someone to talk to and who understands what I'm excited about. Someone who, when we work together, our abilities multiply and become more effective and productive than if we were apart -- a synergy, if you will. But I don't know that I will ever be able to find a man whose life will fit with mine and follow the same path that the Lord has set me on. If I can't find such a man, then I really don't want to get married. I would rather stay single than deal with constant division in my heart. Is there someone God has pre-ordained to walk with me, or will I walk alone for the rest of my life? I really don't know right now. I am prepared for the latter, but I hope for the former. I cannot settle for marrying someone whose heart doesn't line up with mine, so until I find the man whose heart does, I cannot marry.
Lord, if he's out there, take care of him. If not, I'm counting on you to keep me company.
Thursday, April 29, 2004
'I Boast No More' ~ Caedmon's Call
No more, my God, I boast no more
of all the duties I have done
I quit the hopes I held before
to trust the merits of thy Son
No more, my God
No more, my God
No more, my God
I boast no more.
Now for the loss, I bear his name
was my cane, I count my loss
my former pride, I call my shame
and nail my glory to his cross
No more, my God
No more, my God
No more, my God
I boast no more.
Yes, and I must, I will esteem
all things but lost for Jesus' sake
Oh, my soul be found in him
and of his righteousness partake
and maybe make
the best of me into my hands
dares not appear before they throne
faith can enter thy demands
by pleading what my Lord has done
No more, my God
No more, my God
No more, my God
I boast no more.
No more, my God
No more, my God
No more, my God
I boast no more.
of all the duties I have done
I quit the hopes I held before
to trust the merits of thy Son
No more, my God
No more, my God
No more, my God
I boast no more.
Now for the loss, I bear his name
was my cane, I count my loss
my former pride, I call my shame
and nail my glory to his cross
No more, my God
No more, my God
No more, my God
I boast no more.
Yes, and I must, I will esteem
all things but lost for Jesus' sake
Oh, my soul be found in him
and of his righteousness partake
and maybe make
the best of me into my hands
dares not appear before they throne
faith can enter thy demands
by pleading what my Lord has done
No more, my God
No more, my God
No more, my God
I boast no more.
No more, my God
No more, my God
No more, my God
I boast no more.
bum news
So I didn't get the job I applied for. Bum deal. But all in the will of God. I was wondering how a 23-year-old was somehow going to find a place on campus as a faculty member.
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
11/14/03, 3:45am
It is in imperfection that beauty lay sleeping;
awaiting love's wakening touch
the brush of Father's hand upon my face
his gentle finger upon each weakness
a dew-touched wildflower watered by each crack in my cistern temple
a warm embrace for each tear of sorrow and regret
a kiss of warm sun for every painful memory
a whisper of song for every dark day
an enchanting word in every distraction.
so is my Lord the lover and perfecter of my imperfect, hiding beauty.
It is in imperfection that beauty lay sleeping;
awaiting love's wakening touch
the brush of Father's hand upon my face
his gentle finger upon each weakness
a dew-touched wildflower watered by each crack in my cistern temple
a warm embrace for each tear of sorrow and regret
a kiss of warm sun for every painful memory
a whisper of song for every dark day
an enchanting word in every distraction.
so is my Lord the lover and perfecter of my imperfect, hiding beauty.
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