Lessons

My baby is screaming, and my heart feels like it's about to implode.

God told me that He would teach me about how much He loves me through my daughter. It's working. Right now, she's screaming because I put her to bed about an hour and a half earlier than she has voluntarily been staying up lately -- which has been too late. She's upset because she was awake and wanted to play some more, and as long as I stay in the room and keep her entertained, she's fine, but as soon as I leave the room and wait for her to go to sleep, the screaming starts again.

She's had a habit that she has mostly been allowed to dictate for herself for several weeks, and unfortunately, it's a habit that isn't very good for her, or for me. Her control over the situation was only her illusion, and she was allowed to stay up that late only because I let her. Now I'm trying to teach her a new habit that's better for her, and she doesn't like it. Not at all.

How many times does the Lord try to do something good for us, teach us a new habit or a new pathway that is better for us, and all we do in the process is scream and cry and feel like He has abandoned us? I'm sitting in here aching in a way that I didn't know before I had a daughter. Every day He works to break me out of my comfort zones and the places where I still think I am in control -- to take me to greater freedom through increased discipline and obedience. If this is only a fraction of how He feels at the slightest whimper from His child, let alone the screaming and the accusations of abandonment, then He is much stronger than I. I want to cry out to her that I'm still here! And run into her room, fold her into my arms, and hush her and comfort her until she is calm and feels safe and peaceful again. But in the long run, that isn't what is best for her. So I try to withstand it while her cries rip up my heart, and I pray.

Father, thank you for being stronger than I am. For not giving in to my cries when you're teaching me something new and better instead. Thank you for being willing and strong enough to withstand this kind of heartache when we don't understand and scream and cry our way through it.

Thank you for loving me so much, and for teaching me how much it hurts You when I cry.