Lessons

My baby is screaming, and my heart feels like it's about to implode.

God told me that He would teach me about how much He loves me through my daughter. It's working. Right now, she's screaming because I put her to bed about an hour and a half earlier than she has voluntarily been staying up lately -- which has been too late. She's upset because she was awake and wanted to play some more, and as long as I stay in the room and keep her entertained, she's fine, but as soon as I leave the room and wait for her to go to sleep, the screaming starts again.

She's had a habit that she has mostly been allowed to dictate for herself for several weeks, and unfortunately, it's a habit that isn't very good for her, or for me. Her control over the situation was only her illusion, and she was allowed to stay up that late only because I let her. Now I'm trying to teach her a new habit that's better for her, and she doesn't like it. Not at all.

How many times does the Lord try to do something good for us, teach us a new habit or a new pathway that is better for us, and all we do in the process is scream and cry and feel like He has abandoned us? I'm sitting in here aching in a way that I didn't know before I had a daughter. Every day He works to break me out of my comfort zones and the places where I still think I am in control -- to take me to greater freedom through increased discipline and obedience. If this is only a fraction of how He feels at the slightest whimper from His child, let alone the screaming and the accusations of abandonment, then He is much stronger than I. I want to cry out to her that I'm still here! And run into her room, fold her into my arms, and hush her and comfort her until she is calm and feels safe and peaceful again. But in the long run, that isn't what is best for her. So I try to withstand it while her cries rip up my heart, and I pray.

Father, thank you for being stronger than I am. For not giving in to my cries when you're teaching me something new and better instead. Thank you for being willing and strong enough to withstand this kind of heartache when we don't understand and scream and cry our way through it.

Thank you for loving me so much, and for teaching me how much it hurts You when I cry.

Truth.

All our righteous deeds are as dirty diapers before the Lord.

~Isaiah 64:6 PIV (Parents' International Version)

We have a daughter. :-)

Our beautiful baby girl was born on June 16th, 2009 at 1:49am. She weighed in a 6 lbs. 14.8oz and 20" long. She's absolutely amazing. And as far as we can tell, she's perfectly healthy as well. Praise the Lord for such a wonderful gift to us!

I've posted some pictures on Facebook, and I plan to add all of our pictures to our picasa site. If you'd like access to that picasa album (since it will not be a public album), please send me a quick message and I'll do my best to hook you up (unless you're a scary person who I don't want to have access to pictures of my baby, of course).

I think the little noises she makes while she sleeps are one of the two most beautiful sources of music in the world -- the other being the music that my husband makes.

I love being a mama already.

Dialogue

I had dreamed of attending seminary for many years and had finally made it -- I was at the school I dreamed of attending with the degree program I thought best fit the goals I believed I was called to, pursuing the God-given passions of my heart. And Adam, my wonderful new husband, whom I joyfully accept as my beautiful gift and protector and whom I am so excited about doing life with, feels that I shouldn't be there. At least, not right now.

Wait a minute. What?

You mean you want me to back up my claims that I would follow Your plan no matter what, as well as hold to my new vows that I would submit to my husband's leadership?

You mean all those times I spouted to others that 'I-don't-really-know-Your-full-plan-and-am-just-going-to-continue-taking-steps-in-the-direction-You've-sent-me-until-further-notice' are being tested, and You want to take me in a different direction that seemingly takes me away from the goal I've been fiercely pursuing for so long?

But what about how hard I've worked to do what You asked of me? I'm finally to the major commencement of a place I felt You called me to, and now You don't want me to finish?

Oh, You didn't say You didn't want me to finish. I see. You just said, through my husband, that You don't want me to work on it right now. Because, at least in part, we're going to start a family. Oh, and because You caught me with my hand closed around this dream and I needed to see that? Ah.

AND you want me to quit my job before I'm even pregnant? But, what am I going to do with myself until our baby gets here? What can I possibly be doing that's worthwhile if I'm relegated to staying home and doing laundry and dishes? What good is that for the Kingdom? That's wonderfully well and good for the folks You've called to be wives and moms. I really do believe that's noble. But that's not all You called me to. At least, I didn't think it was. What's going on here?

::confusion, fear, grimacing, discomfort::

So what does this mean? Did I misunderstand You? Did I just make up this "calling" that I've been operating out of for the last 15 years? I really thought this was what You asked me to do and where You sent me. Did I have it all wrong somehow?

Just trust You. I don't have to have all the answers right now. Sigh.

...

Hello? Dad, are you still there?

I still don't understand what it is You're trying to tell me. Would You please run this by me again?

Ok, let me see if I've got this straight. I have this bad habit of finding my worth in the things I do for You instead of depending on my identity in Christ. I try to earn my worth by serving instead of resting in the understanding that I really don't have any worth outside of what Christ has transferred to me from Himself -- and no amount of work or service can possibly earn it. It really was a non-merit-based gift. Therefore, I need to learn to stop "doing" and get better at "being" -- being a daughter of the King. So, that means: no work, and no school...because You're taking away the media I use to "do" instead of "be." And no answers to my questions of whether school will ever be in my future again. It means I need to wait upon You and learn more about You through direct interaction and intimacy with you instead of mostly learning about You through school. ... Mind if I go cry about this for a while? You see, I had gotten very attached to this dream and now I'm very frightened to open my hand on it and surrender it before Your feet. I know that my fear means that my trust in You is small in this area. Help me in my unbelief! Increase my faith.

Yes, that's what You're doing. Right. I knew that.

Ok, please be patient with me if I randomly start crying over this again, but in the meantime, would you please explain to me what exactly it means to "be" instead of "do?" If I'm not here to work, then why am I here? I don't get it. How can I possibly be worth anything to You if I'm not useful in some way? What possible value can I present to You through my existence if I'm not serving You somehow? Why did you really create me? I've heard all this talk about how You delight in me just because I am Your daughter...that I don't have to do anything for You to love me. But even though I've heard this a hundred thousand times, I just don't think I believe it. How can you possibly love me unless I'm working for You? I mean, really? I have no intrinsic value. Unless You've put some kind of value in me that I just don't see.

Ah, you've given me a daughter -- so that perhaps I can have a small glimpse of Your perspective toward me. Okay. That really was a beautiful surprise. Thank you. Dont' let me miss a thing from this picture You're giving me.

And her name is Emily Hope? Why that name?

Emily means "industrious." So I would always be reminded that I should not lose hope in the work of the Lord -- either in my own work in You and Your plan for my life, or in Your work within us through that plan. Okay, that was a beautiful message for me, too. Thank you, again. Thank you for speaking to my heart, and for touching the tender places within my heart that I really needed You to touch, and not just the places that I was whining about. You really do know what's best for me. I'm sorry that I don't always act like I believe that, and I'm sorry that I often throw tantrums when I don't get my way. I don't know why I'm finding it so hard to believe that Your plan is better than my own limited perspective, even if it doesn't include the dreams that I have held on to for so long. Burn Your truth into my heart, Father.

Thank you for making me quit my job. I really thought I'd get bored and go crazy, but the rest really has been helpful. It's made me appreciate what I have here at home, and it's given me time to invest more in my husband and our marriage before adding a daughter into the mix. And it's also given me a chance to spend a lot more time with the beautiful women you've placed around me. Our community has grown deeper because I have had more freedom to spend time with them. Thank you for that.

Please help me understand more though. So often, I still feel useless, and afraid. Afraid that I'm somehow misunderstanding what it is that You're asking of me right now and I really ought to be working...that one of these days You're going to come back to the vineyard and find me eating and drinking of your rich stores instead of working, and say to me "Badly done, lazy and irresponsible servant." Help me truly understand Your love for me -- not as I have been taught by my past or by any other influence, but from Your own lips. Keep stripping away all the frivolity and distraction that has built up in my foundations. Draw me closer and whisper to my heart, Abba.

Please show me who You really are.

16 Days

I just caught up on everyone's blogs that I like to follow. I had gotten out of the habit of checking my blogroll daily, so I had a lot to catch up on. And now I'm marginally inspired to update my own - which hasn't happened in a while.

The easy chit-chat. I am now 36 weeks and 3 days pregnant with our first daughter. We've scheduled a c-section on June 24th -- which is only 16 days away. I have officially reached the "uncomfortable" stage of pregnancy, so I'm ready for her to arrive whenever she deems appropriate between now and the 24th...however, I would, for her sake, prefer if she would at least wait until she's been baking for 37 full weeks. This is apparently the magic number for when she'll be considered "full term" and have her best chances of health upon independent entrance into the world.

The nursery is very nearly finished. I have those little name letters (that everyone loves) to paint and hang, as well as the repainting of a small chest of drawers that Grammy V graciously gave for the cause (yay!), and that's it. So the painting shall commence hopefully sometime during this coming week, and then I can say that the nursery is officially ready.

Oh, and Moogie tells us that the bassinet she has been refurbishing is now ready as well. I can't wait to see it! She does such beautiful work. We'll pick it up later this week.

Adam and I keep repeating to each other nearly every day (and sometimes many times a day) how we can't wait to see her face and hold her in our arms. We are so looking forward to meeting our beautiful gift of a daughter and beginning the adventure that her life will bring to us both. Lord help us be good parents who can help guide her in the path of godliness.

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As for me personally, I have been wrestling with the concept of "purpose" for a good while now. It started when Adam gently told me about a year ago that he didn't want me to continue pursuing seminary studies right now. I admire his courage in telling me how he felt about it. That was a hard conversation, followed by many subsequent conversations that have still been hard for me. But knowing how hard it would be for me to hear it, Adam moved forward with what he believed was the leading he had from the Lord on the subject. I'm proud of him for addressing it with me. And grateful that I have a husband who will pursue the Lord even at the cost of possibly hurting me. What a tremendous blessing to have a husband who is rightly situated in obedience to the Lord.

More on that in the next post.

II Chronicles 7:14

Got this message today in my inbox. I really wanted to share it with anyone who would listen.
Love,
d


Our nation is/has been on the slippery slope for a long time. If you look around you will find
corruption, greed, moral decay and a steady move away from the things that made us great. The
principles upon which this nation was founded are no longer our backbone.

However, we can reverse this trend. In II Chronicles 7:14 God says,"If my people who are called by
my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I
will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land."

I am convinced that we must pray for our nation and its leaders and ask for forgiveness. So I ask
you to join me in this plea to our Lord.

Would you please send this to people in your address book. Ask them to pray EVERYDAY. IMAGINE if
each person reaches TEN others...or TWENTYFIVE! If you do and they comply, we will lift up
millions and millions of prayers a day to our Creator. He will hear us and in faith will answer.

Let me just add a quote from Ronald Reagan – "If we ever forget that we’re one nation under God,
then we will be a nation gone under."

I believe this is why the United States of America is in the shape we are in today: Many people
have forgotten that we are one nation under God! Let us as Christians stand up and remind people
of this.

ho hum

There's not much to report since my last update. No big changes or anything. Emi (I haven't decided whether I want to spell it as Emi or Emmy yet) has been wiggling a lot and living up to her previous term of affection. It makes me nervous when she's too quiet, so I welcome the activity from her all the time. I've been ravenously hungry lately, which is kind of fun, because I usually have the opposite problem of not much appetite. A. was sick a few days ago, but is feeling better now. He's back to his mostly happy and sunshiny self and is helping me along as the physical side of pregnancy grows a little more difficult. We've had some really good time together lately, and it's been wonderful.

Mostly, I've just been riding the emotional roller coaster. First, I'm pregnant, which means that my hormones rage randomly whenever they want to. Sometimes I am walking along through my day feeling just fine, and then all of a sudden, one tiny little thing will set me off and I'll be in a funk for the rest of the day. Sometimes that funk is angry. Sometimes it's irritable. Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes I just want to be alone and not talk to anyone. But then there are the good moments. It's early spring for us, which means that most of our days are mid-70s right now, which is just about as beautiful as can be. It could only be better if it were greener outside already. And the times when I have the opportunity to drive around running my errands in the sunshine are the times that I feel best. I feel good. I feel calm. I feel free and confident.

Second, I've been doing some spiritual house-cleaning. Or rather, the Lord has been doing it upon me. I have had a life-long habit of stuffing - everything - down into the dark abyss of my heart. I learned to pretend that whatever happened that hurt or upset me should just be stuffed away, and then I could keep moving and functioning as though it didn't happen at all. I've been reaping the not-so-lovely benefits of this practice now for a while, and I'm so exhausted from these past ghosts reappearing that I'm desperately crying out for freedom and cleanliness in my heart. Well, the Lord has heard my prayers, and He's been faithfully bringing a bunch of things back to the surface from the abyss - for processing and evacuation. Not fun. But it feels so very good to get that stuff out of the depths and remove that pressure from my somewhere soul.

I spent a sleepless night last week doing some of this cleaning out with Him. He kept me awake and made me deal with a couple of subjects in particular. I felt like He showed me a large vat of swirling murk and marbled funk - out of which things were rising like cream to the top. So we spent some time skimming off the layers and separating them out into jars for further processing as we go. I'm pretty sure that those particular layers aren't finished yet, but at least it has been partially sorted and will be easier to deal with now that it's out of the "vat of confusion and disorientation." Ha, take that, Beast.

Anyway, it's all good. I love how no matter what I am going through, I can always find that foundation of joy that Paul talks about - the secret of contentment in all circumstances. It's really true. I always know that I'm going to be okay, no matter what's happening on the surface or what battles I'm fighting, because the Lord is my protector. That's some very deep comfort and consolation at all times. It's a peace so satisfying that I have a hard time finding a good enough word to describe it.

Over Halfway

My mom took this picture over the weekend. This is at 21wks and 1day.

We're having a...

baby GIRL!!!

After our slight disappointment of appointment mixups yesterday, we are proud to tell everybody that we found out this morning. My medical professional is 99.9% sure that we're having a girl.

Her name will be Emily Hope, and she's still set to arrive on or around July 3rd. She's got two legs, two arms, and appears to be completely healthy at this point. Praises to the Lord!

Yay!

love and blessings,
~D and A

Wiggle wiggled!

I felt the baby move for the first time yesterday morning! It was so cool! Weird, too, but definitely cool.

12 more days until the day we find out whether we will be having a masculine or a feminine child. If it's a girl, I've got to get cracking on picking out a name! A. got to choose the boy name, so I get to pick the girl name if it's a girl. I have a few favorites that I'm still playing with.

I finally started to get more energy about a week ago, and I'm starting to feel more like myself again. It feels so good to have the energy to do things again. I'm grateful for that.

Otherwise, A. and I have been good. We started a bible study together on Saturday mornings a couple of weeks ago, and so far, it has been really good for me. Already, the Lord is scouring me out and working toward setting me free in a few places that I was hoping for, and it's awesome.

We enjoyed a couple of ice days last week where A. didn't have to go into the office, and now the weather is back in the 60s again. I love Texas weather, and I am SO looking forward to spring and summer. I love the heat, and I am dying for some!

Then we celebrated with a couple of our dear friends at their wedding shower on Saturday. I have been unofficially/offically appointed as her wedding coordinator (not in any professional capacity...but I'll be the go-to girl on all the details for the big day). I'm so excited that my sweet friend has given me this honor, and I can't wait to help her and be a part of this important event in her life!

That's about it for now. God is good, and I'm understanding Him and growing closer to Him little by little each day. I love that. I hope I get to enjoy this season for a while.

God bless.

Our First Year

Monday was our first anniversary.

A took me out on a nice date to Patrizio (yum!) and a movie. Somehow he managed to secretly procure some beautiful roses for me, even though he didn't have the car on Monday...he must have a buddy at work who conspired with him. Thanks, buddy! We saw Bedtime Stories as our flick of choice. It was really good! Clean, funny, good messages. I love family friendly movies. I'm so glad they seem to be making more of those lately.

After the movie, we snuggled up back at home and watched our wedding video. I was struck again by how good our video was! Uncle T was so gracious and wonderful for making that for us. It's truly a treasure! It was so good to be reminded of how wonderful our wedding day was too. He incorporated interview snippets from A and me, as well as from several of our family and friends. It was so fun to hear what everybody had to say a year ago and compare to how we're doing today. It was very encouraging.

In some ways, it feels like A and I have always been together, and it's hard to imagine times without him now. And in some ways it feels like this past year flew by at record speeds.

A year ago, I never would have imagined that we would be expecting our first little Wiggle already! I (well, both of us) thought we would probably wait a couple of years before thinking about kiddos. But God only waited about 4 months after we got married before changing our hearts and telling us it was time to get started! I can't wait to see where we'll be another year from now!

Here are a couple of my favorite pictures from our honeymoon last year:


my cute hubby driving our awesome convertible rental on a beautiful Maui road


Bad to the Bone, oh yeah. I love the lack of commitment required to access the fun of henna at the beach!


at Cheeseburger in Paradise down in Lahaina


the black lava sand beach near the Seven Sacred Pools

p.s. with any luck, we'll be finding out if Wiggle is a boy or a girl on February 20th! Expect an announcement at this location! Yippee!

Victory!

I have conquered the scanner.

Yes.

With a little help from my beloved hubby, it has been vanquished.

...And now for your viewing pleasure, my first posted picture on the blog:



See! I did it! that's our baby!

However, in the future, I will probably only post a few pics here, and I will be keeping the bulk of my pictures published on Picasa. If you're interested in seeing the full albums there, just shoot me an e-mail or comment, and I'll hook you up. I'll probably post a quick message here whenever I upload new photos to my Picasa site.

On an update note, we had a wonderful Christmas. We spent Christmas Day with A's side of the family, in our pj's the WHOLE day, eating cookies and watching movies. Then we trucked ourselves up to see my side of the family and spent a lovely weekend catching up and playing with my adorable niece and nephew. It was SO good to see them. My awesome sister and brother-in-law, as well as my mom and dad, gave us so much baby stuff, we couldn't fit it all in the car - it'll probably take at least 2 more trips to get it all back to our place! It's all a HUGE help - thanks, family!

Since then, A enjoyed a 5-day vacation over the New Year holiday while he played a new video game that he and his buddies all bought. I've just been puttering around the house trying to chip away at the mountain of housework and putting away of Christmas decorations. It has been nice to have the flexibility to work while I have energy and rest/sleep while I don't.

Much love to all.